McDonald's v. suicide?

I read a story yesterday about a teenager who attempted suicide but changed his mind halfway through and settled instead for a breakfast burrito. I find this utterly unfathomable. Essentially, this kid douses his living room with gasoline and strikes a match, intending to end it all via fire. Shortly after the fire is lit, however, he changes his mind and decides that life is in fact worth living. He tries in vain to extinguish the fire. Although, by the sound of this kid, I doubt he tried very hard. I doubt he has tried very had at anything in his life. Instead, he leaves his trailer home (of course) and drives to McDonald's for breakfast without telling a soul about the fire. While the house is ablaze and the family, neighbors and firefighters frantically try to put out the fire and figure out what is going on, he leisurely enjoys a breakfast burrito at McDonald's. Afterward, he drives to his cousin's house to ask if he wants to play video games. I'm pretty sure I want to be friends with this kid.

I could do that

I just got back from seeing "Up in the Air". It was fine. Don't get me wrong, I think it was very well written and entertaining. It was also timely considering the financial troubles the people in the country currently find themselves in. I would recommend it to many of my friends. However, after I left the theater, I couldn't help but think to myself --"I could write that." I see a lot of good movies that make me think that afterwards. I don't consider that negative critisism, it's simply an observation. Although the movies that do leave me spellbound are almost always ones that make me think..."I could never think of something like that." Maybe I should write a book? Nah.

On a side note, I absolutely love watching my cats play. If i'm ever feeling down and out, I just sit back and watch those two go at it. They look so happy and carefree. I want that.

handjob kiosk.

cat's knees

I just found out today that cats have knees. For some reason I find that disturbing.

I love graham crackers

So, little known fact, at least to me. Apparently, Mr. Graham, the creator/inventor of the graham cracker, did so because he wanted people to stop masterbating. It's true. Back in the 30's/40's/50's or whatever socially and scientificially unenlightened time this man created these crackers, it was widely believed that whole grains diminished one's desire to masterbate. Because he thought masterbating was a sin and evil, Mr. Graham created the graham cracker so that people would have more whole grains in their diet and would be less inclined to spank the monkey. I've had graham crackers. They are delicious, but that's about it.

meeting the parents

I often hear stories from a variety of people that are both astounding and unbelievable. Most of the time I don't believe them, but that does not diminish their greatness. My boss recently told me a supposedly "true" story about a friend of his that had a horrible experience meeting the parents of his girlfriend. So he goes to his girlfriends house to pick her up one night and both of her parents are home. She is still upstairs getting ready. They graciously invite him in and make their way over to the couch to sit and chat. Not wanting to be rude, he oblidges them. They engage in pleasant chit-chat, talk about the weather and how he met their daughter. He was trying his best to make a good first impression because, everyone knows, you only get one chance to do that. At one point he reaches into his front pocket to take out his cell phone and check the time. To his horror, he realizes that in the process of removing said phone a condom had fallen out and onto the couch, in plain view of her parents. In a panic he points to the back door and says "hey, whats that out there?" Of course, both parent turn around to inquire. As they have their head turned he quickly scoops up the condom and shoves it back into his pocket. He is convinced they have not noticed it, he is in the clear. However, his assurance turns to fear as he looks up and sees both parents staring dissaprovingly at him. He knows they couldn't have seen the condom, there's no way...what was the problem. He cocks his head to the right and glances out the back door in another effort to deflect attention from himself. To his horror, in the middle of the back yard there are two dogs humping.

my new purse

So my friend told me the other day that he knows a guy who is a psychologist for numerous prisons and correctional facilities, and he said that the big problem with prisons these days is that "the prisoners pretty much treat their anus as their purse."

That's a strange thing to say.

I slept inside my shirt last night

I really live in a strange position when it comes to making trips back and forth home. I live exactly 556 miles from home, which equates to roughly 9-1o hours of driving. Also, because Burlington is not close to an airport, and because 556 miles is not that far too fly, it is usually unfeasible to do so. Therefore, it is quite an ordeal to do either. So I would very much like to go to Iowa City next weekend for the Iowa v. Michigan game, but I can't seem to motivate myself to make the drive. Yes, as bad as I would love to see the game, I have reached that stage (and age) in my life where I just would rather sit at home. I did, however, go back for the Iowa v. Arizona game last month, which was a whole butt load of fun. I apparently had too much fun, as I offended every waitress we had that night. First, we were at the Airliner and had an Asian waitress and, while talking about a completely unrelated subject involving Asians, blurted out the words "asian invasion" just as our she was standing next to me. It was awful. Next, we went to Bo-James, where andrew asked the waitress if they serve fish, to which she replied, "No, thank god, fish are disgusting", to which I replied "what? Fish are disgusting and delicious, just like men." Finally, we went to the Atlas to get a sexy alligator shot, and it was extremely quiet, so I apparently felt the need to ask the waitress, "you guys got a juke box up in this mother fucker?" She was not amused.

I also think we may have set the record for oddest request by a bar manager. We were sitting in the basement bar, minding our own business and drinking a few cold ones, when the discussion turned for some reason to cunnalingus. What we did not realize at the time was that there were numerous families dining in the basement of this fine establishment. What we also did not realize, no doubt because of our intoxication, was the the entire character of the bar/restaraunt had changed from the last time I was there. It used to be mainly a bar and college hangout. However, it was now clearly attempting to be a fine family resteraunt. Anyway, some time after we had begun talking, the manager politely came downstairs, walked over to our group, and explained that, while he loved that we were having a good time, and that he wanted us to remain and continue our festivities, he would appreciate it if we could be somewhat quieter and NOT USE THE WORD CUNNALINGUS. Who in the world gets that sort of request while at a bar? It was awkward to say the least.

Finally, to top off the weekend, Doug once again pulled a Doug and did not come home Saturday night, choosing instead to sleep over by the library next to the electric boxes. His explanation was that he did not know how to get home, and he saw the electric boxes while walking and thought they were urinals. When he went to examine them he discovered they were electric boxes, were warm, and would make a nice bed for the night. His final sentence before falling asleep that morning was "I slept inside my shirt last night."

alcohol induced depressive rant

I'm so incredibly unhappy in this town. My friends are all married, moved away, or are people I don't care to see. I guess its kind of hard to call those people friends. I feel as though there is no one in this town that I can remotely relate to. I need to do something with my life besides go to work every day and slowly die. That's what I feel like I am doing right now. I hate my job, I do not look forward to the weekends, and I am lonely. Something has got to give. I either need to make a drastic and bold change in my life, or something needs to come along to change my mind. Since most things in my life that I cherish have not just come to me, I am guessing it will need to be the former. I just spent 3 hours in a bar by myself, because I was tired of sitting home alone with my cats. It was an incredibly depressing bar full of people that I cannot relate to on any level. I actually felt more depressed after I left the bar than when I entered it. I thought alcohol was supposed to fix that.

insurance fraud

So apparently a friend of one of my co-worker's has had some economic problems in the past. No big deal, happens to a lot of people. Of course, not everyone comes up with the brilliant solution that this man did to get out of those economic problems. This man was in debt and needed some cash...fast. Of course, the most logical thing to do when you need cash is to set something on fire. That is exactly what this man did...to his car. He drove it to a dirt road, poured some gasoline in it, threw in a match and watched it burn. The crazy thing is, he got away with it. How in the world the insurance company did not suspect foul play when a car mysteriously burns up on a remote dirt road is beyond me. Especially when it should have been very easy to find out that gasoline was poured on it. I thought firefighters and investigators were very good at these things...I watch CSI. Ok, I don't watch CSI, but I see the commercials and promos and it seems that if they can solve a murder with nothing more than a piece of dirt, they certainly should be able to figure this one out. Nonetheless, he got away with it.

So the logical conclusion one draws after getting away with insurance fraud it to try one's luck again. And that is exactly what this gentleman did years later when he once again ran into money problems. Same scenario, different day. He drives to some remote location and proceeds to apply gasoline and ignite. Shortly after doing so it just so happens that a perfect stranger had decided to take a drive on that countryside carrying a fire extinguisher. Upon coming around the turn he saw the burning car, skidded to a stop and put the fire out. Now the man was the proud owner of a slightly used car with a few burns. Nice.

the handbag on my back

OK, I couldn't wait until tommorrow for my first interesting quip. A couple of weeks ago when Doug, Mike and myself were in Chicago a couple of very funny things were said. First, shannon, his friend Adam and I were in an elevator at Target with a pretty girl. Adam was eating a bag of M&M's when one of them fell out, dropped to the floor, and rolled over near the girl. Both Adam and the girl quickly glanced at eachother as if to say "what do we do now?" The first thing out of Adam's mouth was "You don't have to eat that." I almost cried from laughter. No one else thinks it was as funny as I do. But think about, really think about it, and you will laugh as well.

Also, while were were walking about of the elevator after a long day of drinking, Doug noticed a new bag on Mike's back and asked "where did you get that handbag?" Mike replied with "What handbag?" "The one strapped to your back", replied Doug. "Oh, you mean my backpack?"

7-11 dog

I have always loved to write, but for some reason or another never find myself doing it outside of work. I think every writer ever interviewed talks about writing as their most important training. I know, it sounds obvious, but it really isn't. Many people, myself included, have aspirations of writing creatively. However, I have never thought of writing to find something to write about. I have always taken the position that I had to have something to write about before I sat down to write. I believe it is the opposite. The act of simply writing will bring out ideas. I have never been one to keep a diary or blog of my thoughts or feelings. I occasionally find the time or desire to write them down, but for the most part do not feel the need. I do, however, love to tell stories. I have heard, created, and otherwise been apart of many amazing stories in my day and often find myself later wishing I had written them down to memorialize them. I also believe the act of writing down my stories or interesting happenings will have the effect of making me a better writer. It is for that reason that I hereby pledge to take some time every day to either write about an interesting/funny/memorable event that has happened in my life or simply document my daily happenings. I know that I will be the only one who reads these, but that is enough for me. I want nothing more. See you tommorrow!

taco meat

So we were at an office lunch the other day at Pepper's grill (gross) and I was scanning the menu for something edible. I was looking at the description of the fajitas when I noticed that it gave two options. One could either choose chicken, or taco meat. Now, I am no worldly chef or zooligist, but I can tell you that taco's do not have meat. I sincerely hope, and suspect that they intended that to mean beef. It was still funny. We started discussing the various ways there are to hunt tacos, how rare they are to find around these parts, and how many different ways there are to prepare the luscious meat. Apparently, one of my co-workers even knows of a great taco sanctuary South of town that rescues abused taco's and nurses them back to health, so that they may be spared from the dinner table!

life saver?

How ironic would it be to be killed by a life saver? Perhaps by choking on one, or something similar? If that's not irony, I don't know what is...

my goal

You know, I've been thinking for some time now about what I actually want to accomplish with my life. How much am I willing to sacrifice to get where I want to go? How happy I will be when I get there, or would I be happier slowing down and just trying to raise a family and be content? These are heavy questions, with not so easy answers. Then it hit me, my ultimate goal in life, the point where I will finally realize that I have done something meaningful and worthwile, is the point in time when I get a sandwhich named after me. Thats all a guy can really ask for in life, right?

guinea pig travels

I just found out that my brothers girlfriend, who is a third grade teacher, commutes to work every day with a guinea pig. How f-ing cool is that? Apparently, she bought it as a class pet for her students, but she doesn't or can't leave it there overnight. So every day when she is done with work she packs the little guy up and heads home. Then the next morning she makes it some coffee, straps it in to its car seat, and heads to work. I want one. Now. I wonder if she gets to use the car pool lane?

and another thing...

Here's something I have been meaning to get off my chest for sometime now. Somebody stole my book/movie idea! I have had the idea since the last election to write a book/movie about a presidential tie. My idea was basically this: Set in the near future when voting is all done electronically and everthing is so high tech that voters and the media have instantaneous feedback on the results. Not only that, but the capacity exists to seamlessly monitor the voting process, so much so that they know exactly how many people are in line, how much time is left, and who will be the last voter. As it turns out, the election ends up in a dead tie except for one state, the last one to report. The press monitors the process and realizes that the state was literally won by one vote. That means that by finding the last voter to cast his/her ballot, they can find out who decided the presidential election. Of course, what ensues is not good for that person. They immediately get thrust into the spotlight and get celebrity, along with death threats and lots of alleged friends and enemies. It really is a human story against the backdrop of the election.

Now there is a movie that came out with Kevin Costner that basically turns the idea into a popcorn cheesy date comedy. Gross.

presidential debates

Seriously...does either candidate have any idea how much trouble our economy is in? They couldn't even answer the fundamental question that the moderator was asking, both opting instead for their prepared generalizations and punchlines. I want to know that they get it, I want to be assured that they will take this seriously when one becomes president. I didn't see that from them. I sometimes wonder if McCain truly does understand how the economic/tax system in this country works. He kept calling the standard deductions "dividends". Does he know what a dividend is? I hope so. I thought Obama nailed him pretty good when he explained that yes, we do have high corporate tax rates, but because of the enourmous deductions available to them, they hardly pay any tax. Here is the problem though, I disagree with Obama's economic policy. He is too anti-corporation just for the sake of being anti-corporation. Prosperous corporations and business truly are what make this economy, and its people, so strong. However, at least he understands the argument. McCain has serious trouble understanding the "fundamentals" of our economy. As for the rest of the debate, I thought both candidates did very well. It was fun to watch, mostly because Bush wasn't standing up there.

So I went to see Conor Oberst last night. Amazing. He is the new Bob Dylan. He is a prodigy. A strange thing happened to me. A very cute girl came up to me at the beginning, introduced herself and then, for lack of a better word, latched on to me for the entire show. She was very drunk and kept forgetting my name. She also thought on numerous occasions that I was in the military, I guess because I have a shaved head. Nevertheless, she insisted on giving me her number. Did I mention she was literally finalizing her divorce the next day? I wonder if I should call her?